Funny Story Friday

It’s Friday, and it’s been a long week so I’m going to share a story that will hopefully start your day with a good laugh. Now, this may not be for everyone but try to have an open mind and live a little. Original story posted on reddit. 

Happy Friday.

When I was in 6th grade, my small town school track team did very well and was allowed to compete in the state finals. My event was the 200 meter dash, and while I did OK against the other small towns we normally faced, I had no chance at state. This was pretty much the case for most of us, so we mostly goofed off and explored the massive arena and whatever. I wasn't allowed soda at home, but somebody bought me a huge Coke and I thought it was pretty great.

Came time for me to run my race, well actually my heat in the preliminaries as this thing was so big that they actually had more runners than would fit on the track at once (first time I'd ever seen that). Coach tells me to do my best and have fun. Nobody expects much, it's just an honor to be there.

I line up on this beautiful, wide cinder track with maybe 15 lanes (I was used to 8) and an unbelievable crowd watching. Big grandstands full of people, all new to me. I get kind of excited about the whole thing. So we all set our feet in the blocks, crouch down and tense up, waiting for the shot from the starter pistol, meanwhile a hush settles over the crowd, we're on edge waiting for the bang.

When the starter fires, I take this huge leap forward like I'm going to sprint the whole 200 meters (which is pretty much what people who are good at it do, but not my usual approach). This massive physical effort simultaneously propels the most violent, loudest fart of my life out my preteen rectum.

Most of the crowd hasn't trained to the peak physical level that I have, so their reaction to the pistol shot is a tiny bit slower. The effect is that after the bang but before anyone makes a single sound, my fart echoes through the arena with unbelievable clarity and tone. For everyone there it's just like "BANG! FFFAAAAARRRTTTT!"

I manage a few strides just out of instinct before the realization of what's happening starts to set in. I glance over at the crowd and in that split second I can just see it on every face... they know. They all know and they are all looking right at me.

This starts me laughing super hard while also running as hard as I ever have, and what's my body's reaction to that unusual combination? Yep, fart a lot more. However, I am now taking strides pretty rapidly so instead of one big blast, I'm ripping a little one with each step. I can't even think of what letters could represent the sound. If you can imagine a rapid series of very brief, very loud farts, that's pretty much it.

This whole situation has only taken like 10 seconds to develop, we aren't even halfway done yet and I've farted about 15 times. I literally could not continue from laughing so damn hard. I stumble to a hunched over stop right there in the middle of the fanciest arena I've  ever been to, giggling like the farting idiot I am.

I then realize that nobody is rushing past me, which, come to think of it, should have happened by this time in the race regardless of the fart situation. I turn around and every one of the other runners is either lying on the ground or crouched over laughing just as hard as I am. Literally crying laughing. Apparently, my fart-propelled lunge off the line had taken most of them out and the rest succumbed to my staccato encore presentation.

And that's the story of how an entire heat was eliminated from the 200 meter state finals with no one completing the event, which I was told had never happened before in the history of state finals.